•Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER, PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

•In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

•In a Memphis department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

•In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

•In an office:
AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

•Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

•Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

•Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

•Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

•Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

•Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

•On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Why Athletes Don't Have Regular Jobs:

•Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

•New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

•And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"  Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

•Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.."

•Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

•Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

•Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.."  And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

•Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

•Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

•Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

•Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

•Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'  He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

•Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

•In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”

•Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

•"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet.  How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

My Mother Taught Me...

•My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

•My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

•My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

•My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

Definitions:

•ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

•BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

•CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

•CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

•COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

•DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

•EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

•HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

•INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

•MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

•RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

•SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

•SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

•TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

•TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

•YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
This page was last updated: December 25, 2010
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